last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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