He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I want a musical about memes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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