We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
