I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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