So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
