we have pet lesbian snakes
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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