Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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