i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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