There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
