I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
MIDGETS
????
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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