Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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