ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
