at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
