Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
