my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
