you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
