I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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