I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
