Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
