Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
