tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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