Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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