I accidentally had phone sex last night
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
