I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
