you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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