My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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