OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
