the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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