My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
