Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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