she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
