were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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