just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
