six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
