I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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