i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Houston, we have a squirter
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
