take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
