Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
tonight lets celebrate not being married
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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