Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
where does the pee come out of this thing
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
