I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
