Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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