she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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