My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
