I just pynch a tree in the face
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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