I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
