ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
