he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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