We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
