So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will be naked everywhere
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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