i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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