Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
