that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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