he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize