I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
