I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
This house was built for laser tag.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My ATM looks so different sober.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
