Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
