He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
