I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
