I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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