Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
