that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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