My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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